As I sit here now, I am listening to my professor discuss the impact of the Cognitive Research Model on rational actors in foreign policy. I am, by my paper work, a Diplomacy and International Relations major at New Jersey's own Seton Hall University. It's a small college, there is only about 1,300 freshmen that attend, and even more defining, it is a catholic university. Before I tap my foot further on the lake of frozen ice that are religious conversations, I want to clearly state: religion is not part of my life in regards to maintaining faith and practice. I am fine with people who do define their days and actions by the decree of religion. With that said, everyday I pass by a beautiful chapel, that I never attend. All undergraduates must take a faith based course, Journey of Transformation, in their freshmen year and Christianity in Culture in their sophomore year. There are more courses to take in your junior and senior year, of that I'm sure, but as I sit in my Comparative Foreign Policy course, and chose to write this premier blog instead of hear another lecture on GroupThink and cognitive consistency, I cannot be sure about the classes to take in my last two years here. Suffice to say, religion is an everyday thing, a field of tall grass placed at your feet, forcing you to walk through it than around. This is a defining part of Seton Hall, they are entitled to making undergradutes take these courses, just some days I'm more inclined than others to be made to study the life (myth?) of Jesus Christ.
This place is a study. When I applied here, I read on multiple websites and school reviews that this campus is gorgeous. I recall images of trees tufted with pink flowers, and vibrant grass ripe for Frisbee and soccer to push down its blades. But, as I sit here now, I look out the window of my classroom in the Campus Ministry Building (odd place for a foreign policy class, I know), and see only snow, blackened by the wear of many days on the ground. There is no sun, only grey clouds adding the cold sting to wind that constantly blows in my face and through my hair, pushing my hat up off my ears, making me even more frigid. We are in New Jersey. Not the most glamorous state. In fact, it's so ugly here, I worry that it will lower my standard of how well maintain our Earth and land should be. Grey buildings, which I'm told are newly renovated or built but still look run down and poorly kept. The main field, the Green, where the campus seal rests is full of geese poop and soggy dirt where the nuclear shelter built for 1950's bomb threats melts the snow that lays on top of it in a clear line perpendicular to the paths that lead across the Green. So much of the campus, of New Jersey, seems poorly kept. But, I know that there are beautiful places here, I just haven't seen them yet. I can only speak of Cape May, that I and my childhood self, love.Hopefully my time here in NJ will allow me to see more of the state and discover the hidden gems of beauty.
As I sit here now, I am tired. My eyes are brimming with tears brought on by copious yawns originating in my head space that, since August 2013, hasn't been able to shake an omnipresent fatigue that impacts everything, and everyone, in my life. The people who take me seriously call it Chronic Fatigue, and the people that think I overuse the excuse of "I'm just really tired" too much just scoff at my bent back in superiority and disbelief. I am not going to fill up my first post with when it started, all the doctors I went to (neurologist, dietician, cardiologist, etc) and all the tests I went through only to hear that there is no found medical evidence that explains why I am so tired all the time. Granted, every person feels the need to suggest that it could be teenage hormones or a bad sleep schedule, but they seem to be under the impression that I haven't already thought of that simple conclusion. I can't blame them though. It was (is) a struggle for my parents to see this Chronic Fatigue as a legitimate problem that impacts my life. And, as I've experienced thus far, I have no way of controlling. I've tried different sleep schedules, different foods, exercising more, less and even antidepressants. It seems as though my actions have no impact on my daily energy levels. This fact, or what seems to be a fact, is extremely disheartening. I feel like I am giving up, not trying my hardest, when I say that I'm tired and don't have the energy to participate in the activities of college that make it the best time of your life. When I sit in each of my classes each day and fail to maintain my attention on the current topic, I make it harder for myself to pass. But I fall asleep, zone out, feel devastatingly tired, all without intent or purpose. It just happens. Without being too hard on myself, I feel like I am failing at life. If I'm not awake enough to pay attention and do well in class, then I do badly in class. When I cannot get out of bed because I just took a nap and I have a club to go to, but instead I literally cannot manage to get myself up and walking outside to the meeting, I am taking from myself the chance to meet new friends, have fun and build my resume. And the only people I can keep up and be friends with are the people who sit around and talk all the time (let it be known, I love my friends and rely on them for support and understanding. Without them, I would have dropped out), I'm missing out on crazy spontaneous adventures that could be had with energetic college students. It's difficult feeling like you are missing out on life because of a sensation (exhaustion) that most people can shake with a good nights sleep. For me. I always have fatigue pulling on my lashes, closing my eyes. My head has cotton in it that lets me hear, but not understand. I waste my days sleeping and zoning out. That's not a life. That's pathetic.
I decided to start a blog because I was inspired. A went to high school with a girl who gave into her free spirit. This girl, SunnGypsy, graduated and went cross country to California to work on a farm growing weed. During her time there, which was suppose to only last a month, she fell in love and developed tangible wanderlust. So, she began a nomadic lifestyle in the United States and traveled around, putting photos of her journey on Instagram about her free life, each with its own inspirational quote about seizing the moment and life's fleeting pulse. And then, she jumped on a boat and moved to St.Johns on the Virgin Islands and has been living on a boat and drinking water out of shelled coconuts. She began a blog and wrote about her life since high school and she has inspired me to pursue the special things in life that will define me. If I cannot be high energy,then I should go someplace high energy, maybe it will rub off! I need to satiate my wanderlust too! But my first step is writing a blog, to keep up on my times.
