Los Angeles Thinking

For the Thanksgiving holiday, I went with my Aunt, Uncle and Blake to California to the house of Jenna's college friend Lisa's House. Being invited along was honestly so great, considering I can't spring the $800+ for a round trip airplane ticket. I met Lisa at my Aunt and Uncle's wedding five years ago, and we got along quite well.

Actually, my mother had a spiritual moment and psychically discovered a personal fact about Lisa's family that bonded the two of them, and since I was fourteen at the time and, for the wedding, stuck at my mom's hip, I was front row to their new friendship, so Lisa ended up liking me too.

Moving on though, I was really excited to see Lisa and her family again. So, two days of driving later (fourteen hours of total driving time, plus a hotel stay), we got to LA and tucked into Lisa's small but comfy Burbank home.

While there, I got to watch Blake run circles around the house, reacquaint myself with Lisa and her lovingly oddball self (and I mean that in an extremely affectionate way because I absolutely love Lisa), eat the most delicious Thanksgiving dinner I have ever sunk my teeth into, and to top it all off, Lisa and her Disney Studio employed husband, Rubik, took us to see the Dolby Theater and Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Driving down Sunset Strip, looking at palm trees and sunsets. That was my Thanksgiving, and it was perfect. I had a great time with everyone, I felt just as welcome there as the rest of my family, and I even got to spend time with Lisa's daughter Olivia, who seems to idolize me! So, when I had to leave on Saturday morning and fly back to Oregon because of school obligations, I was sad. It didn't hit me how disappointing it was until I was back home and the house was silent. And it is going to stay this way until Wednesday night, when I return from Faria's party.

I'll be honest with you, yesterday night I kind of broke down and cried a bit because of all the alone time I am facing. In reality, it isn't that long, but I really rely on the company of the Wienbergs to keep me sane after each day. To not have them here is kind of like taking away the counterweight on my social balance, now the loneliness has nothing to equal it out, and it's taking up my mind. But, I know I'll be fine, I just have to see this time as a gift, not a curse! Easier said then done but I'm strong!

I go home in less than a month to spend Christmas and New Years with my family in New York. MY best childhood friend, Karin is coming out the 13th for a week to visit me and explore Portland. I am truly looking forward most to this. Until then!

What It's Been Like (So Far)

By this point, I have spent just under three months in Oregon, going to school and learning new ways to live my life. Three months that haven't been perfect, but haven't been a disaster either. I am being honest in saying that there have been many nights where I've gone over in my head, memories of fun times at Seton Hall. How comfortable dorm life was for me, allowing the chance to make friends quickly, as they lived only a short walk away. Countless nights of hanging out in other's rooms, playing games and having heart to hearts.

I have had days when I go to school and puff up my collar and put on a no-bullshit face while walking to class, convinced that I don't need to go out of my way to be nice to people who won't take the time to get to know me. In my mind I say a stern "Fuck it" and go to class without talking to anyone, behaving according to a stripped value of human interaction, jaded beyond friendly gestures

Moments when I've been so desperate to have someone who knows my name, wants to spend more time with me than they have to, that I've exaggerated myself, acting overly friendly and excited to be talking to them. They are all nice, of course, but few have actually asked to grab lunch with me, even less know my name.

Despite this though, I have made friends, I have joined clubs, and gotten lunch with others. During Portland State Orientation, I met a girl named Faria, and we quickly struck up a conversation. Her transferring from Portland Community College, me from New Jersey. Mutually interested in the other, we struck common ground and exchanged numbers. Despite only hanging out with her once since then, her and I have kept in contact, and I am going to her birthday dinner on Wednesday night at Pioneer Square in Portland.

Me at the Hozier Concert ( a random woman
in the crowd took the picture.)

Sharing both my PSU classes with her, Chelsie has been a kind person I talk to while on campus. For my birthday I decided to buy myself a ticket to see Hozier in concert at the Moda Center, unsatisfied with spending my special day (or as it turned out the night before) alone and at home sad. Chelsie had tickets for the same show, and despite never asking to go together, I was talking about the concert in class and she overheard, beginning our friendship. Her and I walk between classes each Tuesday and Thursday together, and even ventured past Burnside Avenue on the Portland Streetcar to grab donuts at Blue Star, something she had never done before! She even showed me the Queer Resource Center, that while it was not established for the demographic I fit into, is still an inviting and busy place.


And I joined both the Student Sustainability Center on their Media Task force, promoting on Facebook, Instagram and helping out with my task force leader Anky's podcast, "Shades of Green," and volunteer at the Women's resource Center as a desk assistant. Both have introduced me to people on campus, giving me a place to go on Tuesday at 2, Wednesday from 9am-1pm, and Thursday at 4.  Despite not hanging out with anyone I've met at these places outside of our meetings, I still get the chance to talk to people and feel like I have a place in the PSU community.

Myself and my task force leader, Anky, on a SSC field trip to BullRun Watershed.

But it is hard. I hardly ever hangout with friends. I feel like I forget what it is like to just spend time with people, without having to feel like I still have to earn their favor so they will hangout with me again. I am more anxious about my social life than ever before, and it is driving me insane.

I so, so value all the people I have met, truly. They are all I have, in every sense. At this point in time, I see that I am being forced into an uncomfortable position. Being alone so often has made me introspect to such a point I thought unnecessary for an individual. I fear that I am alone too much. But then again, it has taught me many great things about my real nature. While I have long counted myself among those considered "independent," I realize that trait only genuinely manifests when I have the choice to do something on my own. Being isolated, being forced to go it alone is something I truly hate. It's like an unraveling of my mind's quilt, slowly picking at the loose threads.

I have figured out that I actively avoid staying in one place, I look for things to do. I have gone to many places in Portland already, exploring attractions and streets, searching for interesting landmarks and bites to eat. And in that curious exploration, I love talking to people at my destinations, learning more from them about the place and why they themselves are there.

So, what has Portland been like so far? A mixed bag. I am unwavering in the belief that being here is the right thing for me. I am being tested in all the right ways, academically, socially and internally. I am loving the chance to start over out here and try new ways of expressing who I am. It is truly inspiring. And while being alone is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever done, it is for the best. For when I find friends, establish my integrated place in the PSU community, I'll know that I fit the great rapper Drake's lyric- started from the bottom, now I'm here.

My Living Situation

When I figured out that I was serious about coming out West, and not just thinking about it in an ideal head space, I knew that I would have a long road ahead of me. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of optimism in my young heart, and it blocked out some rational that might have kept me from jumping so headfirst into moving, but at the time, I figured I would coming out to Portland because it would bring some kind of challenge that Seton Hall couldn't. So, I called up my Uncle who lives in a Portland suburb and asked him what he thought. And this people, is where I got so fucking lucky I am still in disbelief. My Uncle Fred flat out said to me, "You would love Portland, truly. You can stay with us (him, my Aunt Jenna and three year old cousin Blake) while you go to school. We can figure it out together." 

I should mention that the only reason I even was aware of the fabulous-ness of Portland was because of Fred and Jenna. From what I understand of it (and this is an immensely abbreviated version of it), Fred and Jenna dated in high school and once they both left for college, they broke up. Years later, after Fred had been living near my parents and I in Upstate New York, him and Jenna, who was now living in Portland, Oregon, reconnected and realized their love for each other never left. So Fred packed up and left for the West Coast, to marry and have a kid with the woman he has always loved. Thanks to the supportivness of family, I was able to visit the two of them (Blake was yet to be born) a few times on my own, seeing the best of Portland with them. In conclusion, it is the fault of Fred and Jenna that I even had a glimmer of how awesome Portland is, and so I blame them for re-falling in love and opening my eyes.

 So yeah, I'd say I owe them a huge debt for introducing me to this great place. And with their offer to let me live with them, I am even more indebted to them. Not even a really kickass Christmas  gift could re balance the karmic scales of gratitude I have towards them. Just saying though, if I ever become a wealthy woman who has extra cash to throw around, I'm gonna donate to a program that helps kids and teens see the country and experience an education at any location they wish. Hold me to it. I still have to consult my future financial adviser about how to make this work, so it's gonna take a few years, but I think it can work. I'll call it the Frenna Fly Anywhere Education Program (utilizing the stupidly lazy name I came up with my aunt and uncle when I was in eighth grade).

Back to the point, I am able to be writing this blog about my experience transferring schools across the country, because of these two people, and their generosity in taking me in. Without them, I would probably still be going to an overpriced school in New Jersey, or even more likely, going to community college in my Upstate New York county, back home with my parents, something I promise to you, I was not willing to do.

Instead, I'm sitting at the counter in the lime green kitchen ,writing this post while Fred and Jenna are watching a television program on fishing. Sometimes I feel like their second child, only more awkward and with a lessened utility in helping out around the house. Other days I feel completely independent, commuting to Portland Tuesday to Friday. Regardless, I'm figuring it out as I go along. And it can be awesome, getting to chose my own adventure and truly start from scratch out here. But it's also scary. I would be lying to you if I said that everything is working out. Money is tight, friends are few and each day I come home, I'm exhausted. Some days I am sure that this is the place I am meant to be, learning new things everyday, and others I go to bed missing the amazing friends I made at Seton Hall. It's a balancing act. No day is perfect, but each day is new, and I get the opportunity to attend a campus event, join a club or explore the city that is now my home. 

It's hard to always be optimistic, so I don't force myself. For me, it works best to take it one day at a time and understand that because everything is new, I have to get a chance to adjust. And that's what I'm doing.

My beloved succulents of which I bought at Home Depot for $4 and are now dying because apparently plants need water and I'm too lazy. They're still alive, only a bit...browner than in this picture.

My *Confusing* Journey away From New Jersey

Remember that post I wrote back in April, during my English class? The one where I was talking about not returning to Seton Hall, and possibly going out to Portland, Oregon? I mean, how could you forget, the post I'm talking about is literally right below this one I'm writing now...!

Well, I did it.

I am writing this post from Portland State University's second floor computer space in the library. It's amazing that this is my reality now, one where I've dropped everything on the East Coast and come out to Oregon on a whim of living to my full self, and trying something new in life. And it's been a crazy ride, one that is not even close to being over yet! So let me go back and just quickly run over how I went from a small catholic private university in New Jersey, studying International Relations, to a large public institution in Portland, Oregon studying Conflict Resolution.

Back in January of this year, I went to an event on Seton Hall's campus, one that lasted from a Friday to a Sunday. Rounds to join a sorority. Now anyone who knows me would not peg me as one to join Greek life. My best friend on campus and roommate, Amani, was floored to find out I got a bid, Morgan, who was one of the first people I met on campus and a friend of mine was surprised to find me a part of rounds, and ultimately getting a bid from the same sorority as her. Even my friend Steve was surprised. Granted he was joining a fraternity and was super pumped we would be in Greek Life together. Point is, I am not a traditional fit for a sorority, but I wouldn't let that stop me. I wanted to make more friends, and get a chance to be a part of an organization on campus that was involved and had a lot going on, and I found that with the sorority I was chosen to join. And in all honesty, the girls I met were so kind, and fun to talk to. Honestly, I can see why so many people wanted to join the sorority. To have a bunch of people to support you and keep you active is so fantastic and I still think that if Greek Life is for you, then go for it!

For me though, once I had a bid in hand, I realized that in order to be a part of this sorority, I would have to commit nearly all my time to it. My friends would be my sisters and people like Amani, would have to be sacrificed. I had to give up loyal friends to get loyal friends. It was tough, but I chose to give up my bid and stay out of Greek Life, all the while watching many of my friends, like Morgan and Steve, have a great time meeting new people and being busy every night. I don't regret my decision to not join, but once I made that decision, it became clear to me, more and more each day, that it wasn't the place for me.

Seton Hall is a small school, which I liked, but its events and social life seemed hinged on Greek Life. For many, many months I barely talked or hung out with my friends who joined Greek Life, and while I understood why I barely saw them, it still stung to be left sitting in my room, realizing the people I hung out with so often were no longer there to relax with. Each day I would see them, walking by me, but because they were so wrapped up in their fraternities and sororities, and I don't blame them, they couldn't talk. I began to look for other ways to spend my time, of which there were few. Other than Greek Life and Multicultural Events, of which I both attended and helped out with (Shout out to the African Student Union's killer fashion show, and Amani KILLING the runway) there wasn't much to do for me besides hangout with friends and filling our time with Smash Bros, movie watching and heading over to the cafeteria for a sub par meal. And gradually it became more clear to me that this small school, its limited view of the world (i.e. intense Catholicism that in May got the Head of Campus Ministry fired for supporting the NO H8T campaign) and overpriced tuition and housing, wasn't working for me. I mean, I know that in the 21st century going to college is hand in hand with going into debt, but $20,000 in debt after ONE YEAR at this school was too much for my mind to fathom. My idealistic view of Seton Hall was getting chipped away, and it stung and burned because it meant I had made a mistake going there, costing me time and money.

Soon, Amani and I began stay up  late nights, talking about our Seton Hall grievances, bonding over our mutual frustration of how inadequate we felt our days at SHU were. While I still felt passionate about International Relations, I realized I didn't want to be a diplomat at the United Nations (gratitude to my IR professor for the debate assignment that helped me to realize how ineffective the UN as an institution is!). While the curriculum at SHU taught policy and bureaucratic methods, I really wanted to learn about people, how to help them, and about non profit organizations. I didn't see that happening at Seton Hall, or at least, not to the extent I wanted, for the amount of money I was paying.

Soon, months rolled by, spring break passed (which I spent on a perspective altering volunteering trip to El Salvador with SHU's volunteering services) and April was here. I wrote the post preceding this one during that time. All my thoughts on how my morals and values didn't align with Seton Hall's, the massive amount of debt that was looming over my family's head after just one year, and the great paradigm shift I experienced once I gave up my bid for the sorority lead to me effectively leaving Seton Hall on May 13th, deciding I would not return.