What It's Been Like (So Far)

By this point, I have spent just under three months in Oregon, going to school and learning new ways to live my life. Three months that haven't been perfect, but haven't been a disaster either. I am being honest in saying that there have been many nights where I've gone over in my head, memories of fun times at Seton Hall. How comfortable dorm life was for me, allowing the chance to make friends quickly, as they lived only a short walk away. Countless nights of hanging out in other's rooms, playing games and having heart to hearts.

I have had days when I go to school and puff up my collar and put on a no-bullshit face while walking to class, convinced that I don't need to go out of my way to be nice to people who won't take the time to get to know me. In my mind I say a stern "Fuck it" and go to class without talking to anyone, behaving according to a stripped value of human interaction, jaded beyond friendly gestures

Moments when I've been so desperate to have someone who knows my name, wants to spend more time with me than they have to, that I've exaggerated myself, acting overly friendly and excited to be talking to them. They are all nice, of course, but few have actually asked to grab lunch with me, even less know my name.

Despite this though, I have made friends, I have joined clubs, and gotten lunch with others. During Portland State Orientation, I met a girl named Faria, and we quickly struck up a conversation. Her transferring from Portland Community College, me from New Jersey. Mutually interested in the other, we struck common ground and exchanged numbers. Despite only hanging out with her once since then, her and I have kept in contact, and I am going to her birthday dinner on Wednesday night at Pioneer Square in Portland.

Me at the Hozier Concert ( a random woman
in the crowd took the picture.)

Sharing both my PSU classes with her, Chelsie has been a kind person I talk to while on campus. For my birthday I decided to buy myself a ticket to see Hozier in concert at the Moda Center, unsatisfied with spending my special day (or as it turned out the night before) alone and at home sad. Chelsie had tickets for the same show, and despite never asking to go together, I was talking about the concert in class and she overheard, beginning our friendship. Her and I walk between classes each Tuesday and Thursday together, and even ventured past Burnside Avenue on the Portland Streetcar to grab donuts at Blue Star, something she had never done before! She even showed me the Queer Resource Center, that while it was not established for the demographic I fit into, is still an inviting and busy place.


And I joined both the Student Sustainability Center on their Media Task force, promoting on Facebook, Instagram and helping out with my task force leader Anky's podcast, "Shades of Green," and volunteer at the Women's resource Center as a desk assistant. Both have introduced me to people on campus, giving me a place to go on Tuesday at 2, Wednesday from 9am-1pm, and Thursday at 4.  Despite not hanging out with anyone I've met at these places outside of our meetings, I still get the chance to talk to people and feel like I have a place in the PSU community.

Myself and my task force leader, Anky, on a SSC field trip to BullRun Watershed.

But it is hard. I hardly ever hangout with friends. I feel like I forget what it is like to just spend time with people, without having to feel like I still have to earn their favor so they will hangout with me again. I am more anxious about my social life than ever before, and it is driving me insane.

I so, so value all the people I have met, truly. They are all I have, in every sense. At this point in time, I see that I am being forced into an uncomfortable position. Being alone so often has made me introspect to such a point I thought unnecessary for an individual. I fear that I am alone too much. But then again, it has taught me many great things about my real nature. While I have long counted myself among those considered "independent," I realize that trait only genuinely manifests when I have the choice to do something on my own. Being isolated, being forced to go it alone is something I truly hate. It's like an unraveling of my mind's quilt, slowly picking at the loose threads.

I have figured out that I actively avoid staying in one place, I look for things to do. I have gone to many places in Portland already, exploring attractions and streets, searching for interesting landmarks and bites to eat. And in that curious exploration, I love talking to people at my destinations, learning more from them about the place and why they themselves are there.

So, what has Portland been like so far? A mixed bag. I am unwavering in the belief that being here is the right thing for me. I am being tested in all the right ways, academically, socially and internally. I am loving the chance to start over out here and try new ways of expressing who I am. It is truly inspiring. And while being alone is honestly one of the most difficult things I have ever done, it is for the best. For when I find friends, establish my integrated place in the PSU community, I'll know that I fit the great rapper Drake's lyric- started from the bottom, now I'm here.