I am not going to blow smoke up your ass and say that I had it in me the whole time to be happy in Portland. Or that everything is as dandy as a warm blanket on a cold winter day. I have not reach a higher plane of realization about my life. I'm still alone, in Portland, and no one cares that I am here. But you see, dear reader, none of that matters when it comes to how happy I am.
When I was in middle school, dealing with best friend drama as all twelve year old girls do, I was venting to my mom about how sad it made me when my friend ignored me, (or something else my friend did that bugged me) and my mom laid it on thick. After listening to me for what I can only imagine was twenty or so minutes, whining about how cruddy my life was because of this girl, my mom said to not to let my happiness rely on other people. In fact I think I remember her saying "Stop letting someone else control your happiness. I'm done listening to you complain. The solution is easy, either find a way to make your own days good, or keep letting this girl depress you. Either way, stop talking to me about it."
At the time I was totally convinced my mom was a stone cold bitch and didn't relate to my feelings at all. I'm bringing up this anecdote because, as it turns out, twelve year old me was wrong! So Mom, sorry for thinking you weren't a good person, because this advice is saving me right now.
This concept, that I shouldn't look to others to make me happy, is something I thought I had mastered. I am fine with doing things on my own, comfortable in my own skin and confident enough to go out in the world without an arsenal of friends to stick myself to and do everything with. Sure, I have my main core of friends who I like to do most things, but I have it in me to chose to do things on my own and be independent. KEY WORD: CHOOSE. It is a totally different ball game when you literally have no choice but to do things on your own. It is one thing to say "I just want to do this alone" or even "I need some me-time," and a WHOLE OTHER THING to realize your only option is to do everything alone because there is no one to be with on your good days, or any days for that matter.
So coming out to Portland I was patting myself on the back for being so independent and when I got here and put that independence to use, I realized I had taken too big a spoonful of it. Even my Aunt, who isn't a very touchy, sensitive person said to me that she worries I'm not getting enough human contact, not enough human touch. Other than her, my uncle and cousin, I am not yet close to anyone out here. No one to hug, no one to pat on the back or high five. So, she now sometimes will give me a hug, or hook her arm in mine while we are out shopping. She thinks I don't realize what she's doing, but I do. And while I am awkward at walking with another person's arm hooked to mine, I really like it when she does it. But that's a secret I'm gonna keep, I think if I tell her, she will stop because she will have assumed I mentioned it only because I don't like it. Mixed signals people, they are a real struggle.
Back on topic, I've quickly begun to give myself my slack when it comes to socializing in Portland. I've put so much emphasis on meeting people and getting out that I valued myself on how fast I could meet fun people and start going out. And when I didn't make many friends, and the closest thing I've done to being a typical rule breaking college student was sip my friend's martini at her birthday dinner last week, I thought very little of myself. And if you think about it, that is such a twisted thing to do to yourself. I was basically setting myself up for failure. How the hell am I supposed to make friends really quickly after moving out here when I had so much to get accustomed to, so much in my mind, body and spirit to transition.
I won't say that I'm all better now, my mind clear of worries. I won't be walking around campus, earbuds blasting Michael Franti and Spearhead, while smiling brightly at everyone who I walk by. What I will do is chill out. Being alone is not so bad after all. I mean sure, I still wish I was surrounded by friends and had things to do other than wander Portland alone, but all this time by myself has produced some stellar introspection I was unaware I needed.
I've gotten the chance to better understand who I am at my core. I talk with random people in the street and store because it lifts my spirits and keeps me awake. I hate being alone, and handle it poorly. But I am working on that now. The power to be happy does not lie completely out or in me, it lies around me and my perception of the things I encounter. I have to learn to stop looking at other people and wishing I had the company they have. I have to look at my time as a refresher course in how to be productive, and how to keep myself stimulated. Look up the news, get informed, go to events and above all, not to become stagnant and complacent in my loneliness. I take my medicine, I brush my teeth and comb my hair and sometimes I wear the same outfit two days in a row. I'll admit that since getting to Portland, I've gained a few stretch marks on my tummy and hips from all the stress eating I've partaken in. A physical reminder of my struggle of here.
I'm glad I'm here though. I am growing up! Even though I miss my home friends, being within a short distance of people I can spend time with, Portland has offered me a chance to strengthen myself and learn ways to manage and cope. For me, that's the most important part. Truly.
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